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Happy Monday!

What if I’m wrong?

In the course of any choice-making process, whether its regarding career, relationship, health, finances – you name it, there is that underlying whisper gnawing at you taking that first step, or even the 59th step: “What if I’m WRONG?” Do you know what I’m talking about?

This past month I had a difference of opinion with an associate of mine. The conversation, as far as it went, didn’t satisfy my sense that we would be working this out in a way that would rebuild lost trust and connection. I severed the tie, I burnt the bridge and said goodbye. Then, self-doubt arose; what if I’m mistaken? What if the way I’m perceiving this is wrong? What if he comes to decide that I, Dr. Rosie, am not all that kind and compassionate stuff I seem to be?

For the majority of my life I’ve made thousands of choices in service to avoiding this question. To be wrong can feel catastrophic to that part that only has ONE interpretation of what it means to be wrong: I’ll be HUMILIATED!

Now, this part that fears humiliation is normally a very one part of each of us, who has been shamed, guilted and embarrassed. I don’t know if you remember what that feels like – that first conscious experience of being wrong, but basically, it’s unbearable and something to be avoided at all cost.

Many time I’ve stayed in relationships and in jobs, in locations etc, far too long, just to avoid the possibility that my choice may be the wrong choice and the consequences would be unbearable! At some point though, suffering the consequences of being wrong outweighed the staying; the scales were tipped and, well, I took that first step not knowing if I would survive.

Survive I did, yet, I’ve never gotten completely comfortable with making those choices that creates separation from another person. There’s always two sides to the story and distinguishing the who’s right and who’s wrong always gives me the heebie-jeebies. One of us is going to fall short in this conversation, one of us will be the bad guy, one of us will have to eat crow – you get the picture. In my first marriage, to avoid these conversations and the potential anger from my husband (fear of anger is right up there with fear of being wrong), I’d capitulate, I configured in my head how I was WRONG, I said I was sorry and the whole conversation would get dropped. I saved us both from long heated battles. That was how I avoided vulnerability. That may sound backwards, but sometimes that’s what we do.

Taking the Leap

Today, taking that leap by saying goodbye to this individual, I still feel that vulnerability to the potential consequences of being wrong about him or the circumstances. However, this time I’m willing to risk the consequences, feeling the vulnerability – actually being vulnerable to . . . .

When we make choices about what we want to do with our lives, our jobs, careers, etc, so often that questions what if I’m wrong hold us hostage.

Even now that feeling of being wrong is excruciating. I hate feeling the piercing emptiness, the blow of defeat to my ego. However, weighing this possibility against the integrity and dignity of being me, makes me step into my life with a straighter backbone, with more courage to face the possibility that I may be wrong, and if I am, I know that I’ll be learning something from the situation.

I’ve come to understand that it’s the learning that’s more valuable than maintaining safety from making mistakes.

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Article contributed by Dr. Rosie Kuhn

Rosie Kuhn is a personal and professional coach for individuals, couples, businesses. She has worked in the field of human development for over 20 years, producing cutting-edge leadership skills and developing successful outcomes for individuals and organizations. Her highly successful book is available of Amazon.com Self-Empowerment 101

1. Make your child understand the difference between needs and luxuries
Children need to understand that they can still go on without cool gadgets, designer accessories but not without essentials in life like food, home, clothing and education. Hence they have to prioritize accordingly. Sit with your child and help him prioritize according to needs and luxury. Once this concept is clear your child will transform into a better decision maker.

2. Set a goal for your child and help him achieve this through a budget
Goal setting is easy enough in today’s materialistic word. Sports equipment, a gadget or an item of clothing, motivate your child by setting a goal and encourage him to earn this through household and other chores. Make him draw up a budget from what he earns every week and show him how to save from this. Definitely reward him with something extra (besides his goal) the first couple of times, so that he is geared up and excited about the next goal and starts planning – the secret mantra to financial happiness. This will also help your child become competitive in life and be focused on goals.

3. Understand your child’s money personality
He could be a spender by nature. If so, you can guide him early on to curb this by encouraging him to not keep too much cash and ensuring that it is not easily accessible. If he keeps borrowing money from his friends then this could be a warning signal. Later on he could get into a debt trap. You can counsel him and also understand the source of his needs.

4. Involve your child in day to day financial activities
Entrust him with the responsibilities of paying bills i.e. going to the collection centers and paying the bills through cash or dropping a cheque. If he is not old enough than at least take him along when you are doing this exercise. It is a good way for him to learn that life is not just an ATM machine, you got to pay as well!

5. Open a bank account for your child and make him operate it
Buy your kid a piggy bank when he/she is very small and encourage saving for achieving his little goals. Open a bank account when he grows up. This the best way for him to understand how money grows, what interest is and how financial institution like banks work. You should opt for a joint account as it will give you the ability to oversee what your kid is doing. Step in whenever you think that he/she is going off track and try to rectify the situation by helping him with basic financial concepts mentioned above.

Financial literacy is one of the best gifts you can give your kids. It will stay with them forever.

Source: www.investmentyogi.com

Usha Asks:

Hello Dr. Rosie,It feels nice to read these articles as I feel I’m not alone in pursuing dreams that are different from what I earlier set out for. Here’s my question: How can handling money be shifted from a distressing situation to a de-stressing one?

Regards,

Usha

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From Dr. Rosie:

Dear Usha,

Thanks for your presence and your questions. You bring so much to this column with your sharing of what’s unfolding for you.

The easiest way to shift handling money from distressing to de-stressing is to shift how you think about money and then create new actions in alignment with these new thoughts. Here are some examples of what many of us think in regard to money:Money is hard to come by; You have to work really hard for money; Money is the root of all evil; I can’t have money if I’m spiritual; People who have money are unkind – I don’t want to be like them; If I make more money than my dad it will make him look bad; As a woman, having money will make me independent and men don’t like independent women, so I don’t want to make money. These are just a small sample of what goes through our minds when we think about money. All of these statements are distressing, and none of them are true – we just made them up!

Now, with these thoughts come particular actions that support these thoughts. Actions are not just a doing, but can also be a thinking or a feeling or a body response. If I believe that money is hard to come by, I’m going to feel defeated, stressed and worry that I’ll never be able to work hard enough to make enough. If I judge all rich people to be selfish and unkind and I don’t want to be like them, I’m going to do things to sabotage having money. So, for each of the thoughts, beliefs and judgments we have about money we have a set of actions, feelings and thoughts that we use to support them. Change what you think and your actions will change effortlessly. That is De-stessing!

One more thing: If you are used to looking for and finding how your beliefs are true in the world, you have to change what you are looking for. A lot of people are making a lot of money. Some people make money effortlessly. Rich people are often philanthropists and aren’t selfish at all, and there are millions of women who are self-sufficient, independent and enjoy a wonderful relationship with their partners. Notice where you put your attention and focus on what you want to see as true. It’s a wonderful experience to make true what you believe!

All of this is not new! It’s very easy to enter into this as a practice and it can be very challenging to continue because of our thinking that it should all change instantly! You see? My thinking that it should change instantly is going to set up some expectations and I’m going to start anticipating the money rolling in. And, if it doesn’t, then what am I going to think? I’ll probably begin thinking: I’m not good enough; I’m not doing it right; There’s something wrong with me, etc. With this thinking, then, I start feeling frustrated, depressed, sad, hopeless, anxious, angry, etc. Then, I’m right back where I started.

About three month ago I started a 30 Days to Prosperity program. In the very first day I got the biggest lesson of the whole process. As I was setting up my little workbook I started getting excited about having such incredible abundance raining down upon me. It was fun to think about it and to feel the relief of having all the money I could possible want and all the freedom money could buy me. Then, this little voice came in and said “What if that money doesn’t come raining down? What if not one darn thing changes; then what? This thought became distressing and I found myself wanting to stop the program right there and then. But, I realized that it was really important for me to answer that question: What if the money doesn’t come? What do I have it mean about me if it doesn’t happen? Sitting with my fear and sadness the answer came. The belief underlying so much of my way of being in this world is this: If the money doesn’t come, that means God really doesn’t love me. And, if that’s really true, what am I going to do with that?

Here I am a spiritual teacher and coach, someone who has been on a spiritual path for at least 30 years. I never knew that this little thought was way down inside of me. It has kept me in a constant state of fear and from allowing myself an abundance of prosperity. If I never try to making a lot of money I never have to find out what’s true. So, as good as I am at the work I do, and as much money as I do make, I came to find out that I’m still holding back so I don’t have to find out if God really loves me. How distressing is that?

As grown up as I am, I know that I am loved by God and the Universe. That’s what’s true for me! So, I can now become mindful and start noticing all the ways I hold back or sabotage myself from having financial abundance rain down on me, and, I can let go of my worry about whether I’m loved by God – this is a something I made up when I was just a kid. It doesn’t make sense to keep following this belief as a grown-up.

So, Usha, begin by listing all the things you believe about money, all the thoughts, expectations, assumptions and judgments you have. All of them!!! Then write down all of the actions to take based on your thoughts. Notice which ones work in your favor and are actually de-stressing and which ones are distressing. Decide for yourself which ones you will practice more often and which ones you will let go of – just as a practice. Just notice what shows up – just like I did. Be with yourself – with your feeling and thoughts in a compassionate way. Notice when you want to judge yourself or others, than ask if this supports being de-stressed or distressed? You have the power to choose!

I have written a whole chapter about this in Self-Empowerment 101, with an exercise that will take you through this process, thoroughly. With or without the book, though you have to be willing to practice creating positive thoughts about money and then create actions and strategies to support them.

Have fun!

Book: Self-Empowerment-101

Email: rosie@dr-rosie.com

Websites: www.dr-rosie.com www.theparadigmshifts.com

Blogs: http://www.blog.invincibelle.com/category/ask-dr-rosie

Twitter: http://twitter.com/RosieKuhn:

LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/profile?viewProfile=&key=2396121&trk=tab_pro

Ginger Asks:

Dear Dr. Rosie,

Interestingly enough, I’m in a similar situation as Veronica and Usha. I’m looking to change careers after many years as a nurse. I want to go back to school but am being financially taken care of as long as I stay in my current nursing position. The other very real issue that comes up when I think I want to commit to a certain path is that I begin to doubt that this is really what is correct for my spiritual path. . . . Will this just reinforce the ego and distract me or should I accept things as they are and continue from here?

I really enjoy your writing. Thanks! 

Ginger

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From Dr. Rosie:

Dear Ginger,

As human beings we have a very complex, multidimensional world to live into. We have our physical needs, our emotional needs and our spiritual need – all of which call for equal attention. Balancing our spiritual well-being with our physical and emotional well-being is quite a practice. It’s the foundation of the work I do with all of my corporate, and individual clients; to cultivate not only awareness of their whole being but to empower them to practice being present to and acting in alignment with all of themselves.

When we think about our physical needs being met we often think that money is an essential requirement. And, for many of us having money also calms emotional needs for a sense of safety, security and stability. When we think of meeting our spiritual needs, however, more often than not money doesn’t even enter the conversation. From a spiritual perspective, aside from tithing or making donations, money is too often seen as the root of all evil and, like Ginger, we begin to doubt that we have the right to live into our passion or calling and enjoy perhaps more affluence. We become afraid that we are choosing incorrectly and somehow we’ll just reinforce our ego and distract ourselves off our spiritual path.

The dilemma is that, in this multidimensional world we are experiencing a physical reality and a spiritual reality simultaneously. We are both spiritual and physical beings at the same time. Can we choose in such a way that serves both in a good way? If so, how do we choose to choose?
Quite often – but not always, people who choose solely based on their physical and emotional needs and desires come up feeling unfulfilled or empty. Those who follow solely their spiritual needs and desires sometimes, but not always, aren’t grounded enough in the physical world to feel fulfilled in the more “human” domain. Each of us has to be present to that choice point where we have to be clear of what we are wanting, what’s at stake, and, is it worth the price?

In the physical and emotional domains, it is definitely scary to consider leaving a situation where we are comfortable and taken care of. Many individuals in unfulfilling marriages or jobs have to come to terms with “is it worth it” to leave, believing that the security will disappear.

As I write these columns I sometime google quotations from different authors. Helen Keller popped up today. Here’s what she says: “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” 

Now, if building character is important to you then this statement might spur you to be with your choice-points from a more daring point of view. If safety, security and stability are your higher priority, than Helen’s quote will drive you back to that. Each one of us has to take inventory of what our highest priorities are and then be willing to accept that the path in front of us will bring forth opportunities to fulfill those values. Letting go of the “Yes, buts,” and the “What ifs,” becomes a spiritual practice, doing so in such a way that our emotional and physical limits aren’t triggered into such reaction that we become paralyzed.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to step into your desires – not knowing the outcome? Are you willing to practice leaps of faith and living without doubt? A leap into faith doesn’t have to be jumping blindly off a cliff. It can be taking just one step towards what you say you want and, most importantly, being with what shows up in that very moment. For me, this is the foundation of every spiritual practice on this planet. Take the step and be with what shows up. If it feels too scary, take a smaller step and get support from a community, support group or coach. Hear the voice in your head that says – “Yes, but, I should be further along;” or “It shouldn’t take this long, there must be an easier way!” You’ll hear many conversations like this; most often that is your ego talking. In these moments you have to choose to choose to choose, in service to what you say you want, whether that’s stability and security or something else. And, there is no right way and no wrong way. It’s just the practice of taking the first step, then taking the next first step.

To answer Ginger’s question specifically: It doesn’t matter if you choose to stay in your current situation or choose to change careers. By truly committing to either you’ll begin a spiritual practice. This will include accepting and allowing what is, letting go of what is no longer, intentionally living into your choice, one moment at a time, and letting go of the conversation that you should have or could have chosen differently. Again, there is no right or wrong way; there is just you choosing to choose what you choose and practice living into that, one step at a time.

Book: Self-Empowerment-101

Email: rosie@dr-rosie.com

Websites: www.dr-rosie.com       www.theparadigmshifts.com

Blogs: http://www.blog.invincibelle.com/category/ask-dr-rosie 

Twitter: http://twitter.com/RosieKuhn:

LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/profile?viewProfile=&key=2396121&trk=tab_pro